Why answer emotionally invasive questions like "how are you" when you can just grumble out a number?

Systemize support, you beautiful mysterious fragile creature

Being the socially exhausted gerbil that I am, I made my own illness DEFCON table. Want the template? (For free, obvi.)

(This works for non-sick folks going through any sort of long haul rough patch, too.)

How am I doing, sickwise? It’s complicated. You too?

When people ask, I don’t want to explain that my sciatica is like a cattle prod on high in my ass, but my tonsil stones appear to be shrinking? BUT, my friends wish I had an indicator light so they knew what to do. (And so do I, truth be told.)

Enter: the Meatscon Scale. Like the DEFCON merged with the pain scale but ALL ABOUT ME and actually useful.

(Wait, why Meatscon? Referring to my mangled meatsuit amongst friends eventually led to my bf calling the whole illness situation “The Meats”, often asking “how are the Meats?”)

Anyway, you need one too. So do your peeps. Your therapist. Maybe even your boss.

Because you shouldn’t have to explain when you can barely groan “eiiiight.” Or waste ANY of your 4 day when you could be blissed out in a park sunpatch.

Anyway, here’s a preview of mine:

If you want your own editable version, grab the template here (free)!

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Here’s how to make it your own:

1. Do it for you

I’m pitiful at remembering that when I’m at an 8, a workfest WILL make things worse. I’m also deplorable at remembering that Meatscon 3 days don’t last forever or happen very often, so it’s CLUTCH to go seize them. With the table, I’ve already outlined my capacity and it tells me what to do each day.

2. Don’t overcomplicate it

I kept it to one page because my friends/parents/sis/bf don’t need ALL the details—they just sorta need to know the “camp” we’re in. (I’ve also put together a hecka-complex “User Manual” for myself that I’ll share later on, and that’s where all the details can live. Think of the Meatscon as a reference guide.)

3. You overcomplicated it, didn’t you?

That’s okay. ILLNESS IS COMPLICATED. Whatever you made, it’s still super useful. But later, you might want to create a copy for friends where you ask yourself, what one or two things do I REALLY need people to know or remind me of when I’m at X?

4. Screenshot it on your phone!

I wind up referring to my phone version ALL THE TIME…and I’m pretty sure that’s the one my bff and bf glance at the most.

I share the cute upright snaps, but this is real life: living at a Meatscon 6-8. My doctor needs to know, and so does yours.

5. Give it away—NO CRINGING (or cringe but do it anyway)

It’s weird to let people care about us, isn’t it? I guarantee you that your nearest and dearest (and maybe your providers) will appreciate this. Wouldn’t you, if your friend going through a complicated time gave you a shortcut to supporting them?

If you trust your doctor or therapist, it can be helpful to show them this so they understand “where” you live your life. I RARELY go below a 4, and I reserve 10 for true mega-emergencies like ovarian torsion (the actual painful-est thing I’ve ever experienced in my life, hell to the no ever again, -12 out of five stars.)

The scale should reflect the range that actually applies to you over, say, six months, but it’s likely you spend most of your time between a few numbers—and that’s critical health intel. It’s KEY for doctors to understand if we’re spending 80% of our current reality at our personal 8—that’s inhumane and demands immediate attention. Or if we’re routinely hitting 3’s on our new meds…there’s some great motivation for your doctor to keep writing the script, despite the risks.

6. Give the template to a struggling friend to adapt to their (unsick) situation

Being sick is just ONE long haul tough time you can go through. If you’ve got a bud:

1. Caring for a sick child or elderly parent

2. Grieving a death or other big loss (like fertility)

3. Navigating a gnarly divorce or breakup

4. Crumbling under political turmoil

5. Reckoning with an untenable employment situation

6. Enduring a court battle

7. Coming to terms with a new identity

Then they’d welcome your care and support. And they could use a handy-dandy scale to avoid their own sense of burnout. (Although they’ll have to rename it to BreakoverCon or something.)

I didn’t even prompt my sweet interwebs bud Molly to stoke up the Meatscon but THANKS MOLLY! I agree.

Anywho. Simplify your life, right meow, and give your friends the gift of an easy way to check in on you.

If you’re having a goodbrain day and know your case well, you can probably dial the whole Meatscon in 15-20 minutes with the pre-made template. If you’re struggling, just fill out the struggly end while you’re “in it” and feeling your limits…you can come back to the lower numbers later.

There’s a suggested cost (of an Americano!) but I will be zero percent offended if you take it and run with it free-style! (Promise. I know how shit being sick is, and ain’t nobody got the energy to make a table and color code it from scratch.) If you love it and stumble into a money pit later, you can always send me a thank you coffee at Venmo kira-stoops.

Sidenote: Yes, the actual Defcon numbers run in reverse…but we’re all probably more familiar with the pain scale, where 1=good and 10=unbearable, so that’s what I went with.)

Alright team. Grunt on—in a systematized way! And here’s to the good end of your Meatscon scale.

What’s the best thing you can do for yourself to feel 1% better at an 8? What do you jump on when you hit a 3? Please tell the class about your Meatscon in the comments!

I only recommend what I love and use myself.

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Imperfect Working Order is free for now! If you’re stirred to support and have the means, please consider enabling my dark chocolate addiction on MyRegistry. (Thank you to my sweet pal Gretchen for making my grown-up pillow protector dreams come true!)

I’m also saving up to swing my now-off-insurance ME/CFS doctor + therapist appointments via Venmo (kira-stoops).

You can also just comment, or even better, comment to another commenter below! The biggest gift would be to see a community of sickies spring forth here.

Big time gratitude in advance.