When I was healthier, I treated a lot of people to lunches and dinners. I thought nothing of sending little gifts just because. Since I’ve been less healthy, I’ve accepted the various gifts that have come my way as karma and/or grace. I do find as kind and thoughtful humans, we can get caught in an endless ‘thank you’ loop (like someone sending you a thank you card for the thank you gift you sent them, etc.) and that gets tired after a while.
Me too! I never thought twice about doing something kind for someone else, or wanted something in return. But that all went out the window when the kindness flowed toward me...
I think I have a different version of this problem; when something good happens, I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. And it often does. For instance; did I get money in the mail? In about 15 minutes someone or something in this household needs the vet, the mechanic, the doctor, or a contractor. Did I just buy a kayak? I sure did. Do I love it? I sure do. Did my shoulder just go out? You betcha. So it takes me a very long time to TRUST the good thing is going to stay a good thing.
"Do it anyway" is really simple to say, and hard to do.
I haven't yet gotten it into my head, but a different friend of mine has a go to philosophy about Good things have room for more good things, or grow more good things, so maybe the message for me is "there will be good that comes of the shoe drop, too."
OMGGGGGGGGG. This is so resonant. I bet you think you already know the worst good thing that ever happened to me - the amazing studio apartment with the whole wall of windows and a ton of natural light and a view of the mountains that NEARLY FUCKING KILLED ME deciding whether and when to move in. But oh you'd be wrong.
It's the very large sum of money that a friend gave me - not lent, GAVE - to rent my dream home in Venice Beach. Did I feel grateful? Sure, somewhere in there. But mostly I felt terrified, guilty, anxious, and totally paralyzed about how and when and whether to thank him or repay him. So I did what everyone would do, right? (read: wrong) I ignored him. I completely and totally froze. And felt bad about for like six years. Which I'm sure is what he intended when he gave me such a profoundly generous gift, and how he would most feel like that gift was honored (read: wrong again). I have since thanked him profusely, of course.
And I am now actively working on ways to let myself take in good things. Like literally I do meditations to help me elicit, identify, and then WITHSTAND the feeling of gratitude and joy, because it turns out, if it's not something you're used to feeling, it sure can be weird and itchy. Now, though, it feels bubbly and warm and buoyant - quite literally like a raft I can ride over the currents of whatever's happening in my life. Which is to say, WE NEED to feel the good things. It is part of how we get through all of (waves hands around at my sick body, at our sick society, at the human condition) this.
"Transformative" --- such an overused word! --- but it applies. Sometimes, a shift in thinking, a revelation in outlook, reopens an entire world of different perspective. (And shines a spotlight on what we were missing before.)
“This is what happens when we live in a transactional society instead of community.”
Wow! Loved this line because I can absolutely see this pattern of thinking within myself.
Cosmic spreadsheet GOT me, lol. Clearly I have one of those. Thanks for this very important read.
Hard relate Kira. A lifetime of conditioning but getting better xxx
When I was healthier, I treated a lot of people to lunches and dinners. I thought nothing of sending little gifts just because. Since I’ve been less healthy, I’ve accepted the various gifts that have come my way as karma and/or grace. I do find as kind and thoughtful humans, we can get caught in an endless ‘thank you’ loop (like someone sending you a thank you card for the thank you gift you sent them, etc.) and that gets tired after a while.
Me too! I never thought twice about doing something kind for someone else, or wanted something in return. But that all went out the window when the kindness flowed toward me...
I think I have a different version of this problem; when something good happens, I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. And it often does. For instance; did I get money in the mail? In about 15 minutes someone or something in this household needs the vet, the mechanic, the doctor, or a contractor. Did I just buy a kayak? I sure did. Do I love it? I sure do. Did my shoulder just go out? You betcha. So it takes me a very long time to TRUST the good thing is going to stay a good thing.
"Do it anyway" is really simple to say, and hard to do.
I haven't yet gotten it into my head, but a different friend of mine has a go to philosophy about Good things have room for more good things, or grow more good things, so maybe the message for me is "there will be good that comes of the shoe drop, too."
OMGGGGGGGGG. This is so resonant. I bet you think you already know the worst good thing that ever happened to me - the amazing studio apartment with the whole wall of windows and a ton of natural light and a view of the mountains that NEARLY FUCKING KILLED ME deciding whether and when to move in. But oh you'd be wrong.
It's the very large sum of money that a friend gave me - not lent, GAVE - to rent my dream home in Venice Beach. Did I feel grateful? Sure, somewhere in there. But mostly I felt terrified, guilty, anxious, and totally paralyzed about how and when and whether to thank him or repay him. So I did what everyone would do, right? (read: wrong) I ignored him. I completely and totally froze. And felt bad about for like six years. Which I'm sure is what he intended when he gave me such a profoundly generous gift, and how he would most feel like that gift was honored (read: wrong again). I have since thanked him profusely, of course.
And I am now actively working on ways to let myself take in good things. Like literally I do meditations to help me elicit, identify, and then WITHSTAND the feeling of gratitude and joy, because it turns out, if it's not something you're used to feeling, it sure can be weird and itchy. Now, though, it feels bubbly and warm and buoyant - quite literally like a raft I can ride over the currents of whatever's happening in my life. Which is to say, WE NEED to feel the good things. It is part of how we get through all of (waves hands around at my sick body, at our sick society, at the human condition) this.
One. Thousand. Percent. I've done some variation of the above one million times.
"Turns out, if [joy] is not something you're used to feeling, it sure can be weird and itchy." So well said, friend.
"Transformative" --- such an overused word! --- but it applies. Sometimes, a shift in thinking, a revelation in outlook, reopens an entire world of different perspective. (And shines a spotlight on what we were missing before.)