Oooo! I would LOVE to see more of how you talk about your limitations! “I have some limitations and they’re not small” - screenshot save to photos so I can *maybe* use one day. More of those lines please!
I love your writing - so funny and so authentic. I’m 22 years into my marriage and not at all looking, but you still manage to draw me in. I’ve been having similar convos with a dear friend who is a verifiable long COVID hottie, and your points are all well taken. SOMEONE will step up to your tasty plate!
P.S. extra thanks for using “couldn’t care less” instead of the wrong version. Big pet peeve of mine. (Maybe I couldn’t care more?? 🤔)
I actually used "I could care less" the other day to mean what it means. "I could care less about this, but I've chosen to continue to care." I enjoyed the subsequent confusion!
I met my partner of over a year as I was just coming out of several months of being housebound and generally at my sickest and most limited. I was very open about my situation - low energy, unemployed, needing infection prevention measures to be taken, uncertain if I would ever be well again - and she wasn’t put off by any of it. She was interested in my genuineness, honesty, and emotional availability, not whether I could go for a run with her or whatever. I’ve since regained my full health, thankfully, but I think starting our relationship from that place of honesty, communication, and recognition of differing capacities and needs is what has made this the best and most successful relationship of my life. Your line about delaying the reveal as being a bait and switch is so true and I was always stunned by people in my LC community who tried to date that way. It’s such a disservice to yourself, the person you’re interested in, and the potential relationship.
Aw, that's so great! Sounds like you had/have a ton to offer. (And thrilled you recovered!)
It's a hard thing to know when to reveal, and I think it does tie in a lot with how much we've accepted illness ourselves. When I first blew out my neck, I didn't KNOW it was permanent...I thought it would get better. So I wasn't working very hard on accepting anything. I also felt my medical struggle was intensely private...there weren't a lot of "out" sick people. So "third date" seemed right for a personal reveal. NOPE. We live and learn!
I highlight those things that she saw in me not to brag lol but because we can all offer those sorts of traits to a partner, sick or not! It took a lot for me to trust that I had those qualities after years of thinking my physique, my career, or my hobbies defined me. But it was a life-changing mindset shift when I did.
I tried two weeks of Bumble and I owned that I wasn't in perfect working order. I think the phrase I used was really close to "Not all parts are original or work, some repairs aren't possible." So I put it in my profile, upfront, as unmissable as I could make it. If I were to go back, I think I'd use that again, or a variation. It felt honest, but not heavy.
As for results -- I did not get a lot of interest generally, and I only got three matches who would chat. All of them let the convo die out. BUT, I think this is probably the nature of online dating in general. I was not different. I was just another potential match for folks. No one said "oh god, your health is a hard pass." We failed out for perfectly pedestrian reasons!
I think the biggest takeaway I've had from online dating attempts is that the limitations/capabilities of two people are in play. Maybe I can't drive more than an hour any direction for a meet-n-greet. But maybe they can and will drive all day. I would really encourage people to cast as wide a net as the app allows. Don't limit the distance. Because we don't know the limitations (or lack thereof) on the person whose interest we pique. They could be one of those people who loves to drive long distances and jam out as a way to decompress. They could be a pilot who is looking for a partner in the city they visit most frequently. They could be a digital nomad who could wander any direction that seems promising.
Yep. I accidentally wound up with my settings set to the wrong town at one point, and several sweet-seeming guys offered to make the four-to-five hour roundtrip. Great point to not our limitations exclude those who could make up the difference.
The professional ad woman in me sees a LOT of potential in how to do up a profile proper...I say to my clients (for business) all the time: writing about ourselves is the hardest part.
I'm going to return to this post again and again. I have ME/CFS and have literally just downloaded a dating app! I've realised (and this post confirmed it) that this is only going to work if I express my needs and stick to them. This just gave me so much hope, and validation. Thank you xx
"Losing just about everything to illness makes you a more whole, interesting person." This almost made me tear up. I couldn't agree more. Loved the Wicked reference too <3
I don't know if I have a good answer to that, lol. We're in a good place now, but I can't guarantee we'll always be compatible. He's expressed frustration occasionally that I can't do most of the things we used to enjoy doing together. I feel like that's an issue with friends too, but with friends, we're often happy just hanging out and talking, whereas that eventually gets old with the person you live with. Anyway, people can become less compatible over time for a lot of reasons, not just disability -- but it's hard for me that it's something I can't control.
Oof, yes, so real. And so endlessly, pointlessly unfair those couple activities were wrenched from you by illness. I do agree people become less compatible over time...probably usually for reasons they can't really control! I'm doing my dangest to focus on what's here today.
OBSESSSSSSSED with this post and your perspective and (hard-won) wisdom. I already know this story and even so, I found the way you wrote this inspiring and motivating. It gives me hope that somehow I can find love again too someday, even if I'm 100% Covid risk averse, homebound, only shower or wash my hair quarterly, and have both what looks like a pregnant belly and also likely no ability and def no desire to get pregnant. Thank you for sharing your tips and tricks. The part that really got me was that by being more transparent, you allow them to actually see YOU. And that's really the whole point, isn't it?
Thaaaanks darlin'! You sound like a totally hot slice to me.
It's always hard to say if illness is "me" or not, but regardless: it's my reality and there's just no getting around it. And I think that's true for SO many situations beyond illness. My partner lost his main parent, his job, and his PhD advisor what felt like moments after we started dating. Obvi not fun for either of us, even though it was significantly less fun for him. Life lifes.
Thank you for this! I'm newly single after a long relationship. I became disabled during the relationship and have yet to attempt dating while disabled. Glad I found this!
These are great mindset shifts, good advice. I finally found my fiancé after 10 years of single/dating/in and out of relationships. I *did* find someone who just wants to cuddle on the couch or in bed with me! But who also gently encourages me to walk when I'm able to do so. He spent the first 18 months telling me to sit down, lie down, and rest almost constantly, ha. And now I'm actually better enough to be more mobile and active!
It's amazing to have someone who's willing to make me dinner, or like yesterday, just come over and massage and cuddle me for hours when I feel bad.
It takes a LOT of looking these days, especially on the apps, which are like weeding through clothes at the thrift store. Lots of swiping left, ha. And I actually found my person through a mutual friend group, then we lost touch and reconnected on an app months later. One we were both about to delete but took one last look through.
Your story is so heartwarming! I would love to hear how long you've been together and how things have changed over time. My partner and I have been together almost a decade. I was disabled when we met, but my limitations have been getting steadily more severe since then. He's been very patient, but it's still been a hard adjustment. I don't think he expected that it would get this bad (and could continue getting worse).
I'm also curious if you found there were any drawbacks to being open about your disability from the start, like people fetishizing it or perhaps attracting dates who would seek out an unhealthy/controlling dynamic because they might think (wrongly!) that disabled people don't have other options.
Thanks so much for this question! (And big congrats on the upcoming decade!) It is hard...and could continue to get worse. And could continue to get better, and we want the ones who were with us when it wasn't.
This relationship is still pretty new (under a year!) but I have had a longer one since becoming disabled...and many interesting dates throughout. I am lucky...no fetishes or power plays!
I am curious how you two have navigated your changes over such a long period?
Oooo! I would LOVE to see more of how you talk about your limitations! “I have some limitations and they’re not small” - screenshot save to photos so I can *maybe* use one day. More of those lines please!
I love your writing - so funny and so authentic. I’m 22 years into my marriage and not at all looking, but you still manage to draw me in. I’ve been having similar convos with a dear friend who is a verifiable long COVID hottie, and your points are all well taken. SOMEONE will step up to your tasty plate!
P.S. extra thanks for using “couldn’t care less” instead of the wrong version. Big pet peeve of mine. (Maybe I couldn’t care more?? 🤔)
I actually used "I could care less" the other day to mean what it means. "I could care less about this, but I've chosen to continue to care." I enjoyed the subsequent confusion!
😂😂🙃🙃🤓🤓
Thank you for this, it’s really heartening. I’m not sure I’m quite ready yet but it feels a bit less impossible than it did before 💓
I met my partner of over a year as I was just coming out of several months of being housebound and generally at my sickest and most limited. I was very open about my situation - low energy, unemployed, needing infection prevention measures to be taken, uncertain if I would ever be well again - and she wasn’t put off by any of it. She was interested in my genuineness, honesty, and emotional availability, not whether I could go for a run with her or whatever. I’ve since regained my full health, thankfully, but I think starting our relationship from that place of honesty, communication, and recognition of differing capacities and needs is what has made this the best and most successful relationship of my life. Your line about delaying the reveal as being a bait and switch is so true and I was always stunned by people in my LC community who tried to date that way. It’s such a disservice to yourself, the person you’re interested in, and the potential relationship.
Aw, that's so great! Sounds like you had/have a ton to offer. (And thrilled you recovered!)
It's a hard thing to know when to reveal, and I think it does tie in a lot with how much we've accepted illness ourselves. When I first blew out my neck, I didn't KNOW it was permanent...I thought it would get better. So I wasn't working very hard on accepting anything. I also felt my medical struggle was intensely private...there weren't a lot of "out" sick people. So "third date" seemed right for a personal reveal. NOPE. We live and learn!
I highlight those things that she saw in me not to brag lol but because we can all offer those sorts of traits to a partner, sick or not! It took a lot for me to trust that I had those qualities after years of thinking my physique, my career, or my hobbies defined me. But it was a life-changing mindset shift when I did.
I tried two weeks of Bumble and I owned that I wasn't in perfect working order. I think the phrase I used was really close to "Not all parts are original or work, some repairs aren't possible." So I put it in my profile, upfront, as unmissable as I could make it. If I were to go back, I think I'd use that again, or a variation. It felt honest, but not heavy.
As for results -- I did not get a lot of interest generally, and I only got three matches who would chat. All of them let the convo die out. BUT, I think this is probably the nature of online dating in general. I was not different. I was just another potential match for folks. No one said "oh god, your health is a hard pass." We failed out for perfectly pedestrian reasons!
I think the biggest takeaway I've had from online dating attempts is that the limitations/capabilities of two people are in play. Maybe I can't drive more than an hour any direction for a meet-n-greet. But maybe they can and will drive all day. I would really encourage people to cast as wide a net as the app allows. Don't limit the distance. Because we don't know the limitations (or lack thereof) on the person whose interest we pique. They could be one of those people who loves to drive long distances and jam out as a way to decompress. They could be a pilot who is looking for a partner in the city they visit most frequently. They could be a digital nomad who could wander any direction that seems promising.
Yep. I accidentally wound up with my settings set to the wrong town at one point, and several sweet-seeming guys offered to make the four-to-five hour roundtrip. Great point to not our limitations exclude those who could make up the difference.
The professional ad woman in me sees a LOT of potential in how to do up a profile proper...I say to my clients (for business) all the time: writing about ourselves is the hardest part.
I'm going to return to this post again and again. I have ME/CFS and have literally just downloaded a dating app! I've realised (and this post confirmed it) that this is only going to work if I express my needs and stick to them. This just gave me so much hope, and validation. Thank you xx
"Losing just about everything to illness makes you a more whole, interesting person." This almost made me tear up. I couldn't agree more. Loved the Wicked reference too <3
Yeahhhh! Congrats! Expressing your needs and sticking to them is the move whether you're a MEep or running marathons, right? So hard...so worth it.
Here's hoping you find something special and saluting your bravery in getting out there!
I don't know if I have a good answer to that, lol. We're in a good place now, but I can't guarantee we'll always be compatible. He's expressed frustration occasionally that I can't do most of the things we used to enjoy doing together. I feel like that's an issue with friends too, but with friends, we're often happy just hanging out and talking, whereas that eventually gets old with the person you live with. Anyway, people can become less compatible over time for a lot of reasons, not just disability -- but it's hard for me that it's something I can't control.
Hoping you two enjoy many more years together :)
Oof, yes, so real. And so endlessly, pointlessly unfair those couple activities were wrenched from you by illness. I do agree people become less compatible over time...probably usually for reasons they can't really control! I'm doing my dangest to focus on what's here today.
OBSESSSSSSSED with this post and your perspective and (hard-won) wisdom. I already know this story and even so, I found the way you wrote this inspiring and motivating. It gives me hope that somehow I can find love again too someday, even if I'm 100% Covid risk averse, homebound, only shower or wash my hair quarterly, and have both what looks like a pregnant belly and also likely no ability and def no desire to get pregnant. Thank you for sharing your tips and tricks. The part that really got me was that by being more transparent, you allow them to actually see YOU. And that's really the whole point, isn't it?
Thaaaanks darlin'! You sound like a totally hot slice to me.
It's always hard to say if illness is "me" or not, but regardless: it's my reality and there's just no getting around it. And I think that's true for SO many situations beyond illness. My partner lost his main parent, his job, and his PhD advisor what felt like moments after we started dating. Obvi not fun for either of us, even though it was significantly less fun for him. Life lifes.
Thank you for this! I'm newly single after a long relationship. I became disabled during the relationship and have yet to attempt dating while disabled. Glad I found this!
These are great mindset shifts, good advice. I finally found my fiancé after 10 years of single/dating/in and out of relationships. I *did* find someone who just wants to cuddle on the couch or in bed with me! But who also gently encourages me to walk when I'm able to do so. He spent the first 18 months telling me to sit down, lie down, and rest almost constantly, ha. And now I'm actually better enough to be more mobile and active!
It's amazing to have someone who's willing to make me dinner, or like yesterday, just come over and massage and cuddle me for hours when I feel bad.
It takes a LOT of looking these days, especially on the apps, which are like weeding through clothes at the thrift store. Lots of swiping left, ha. And I actually found my person through a mutual friend group, then we lost touch and reconnected on an app months later. One we were both about to delete but took one last look through.
Such a sweet tale. I'm glad he encouraged you in all the right ways. It's always when you're about to delete, isn't it??
Your story is so heartwarming! I would love to hear how long you've been together and how things have changed over time. My partner and I have been together almost a decade. I was disabled when we met, but my limitations have been getting steadily more severe since then. He's been very patient, but it's still been a hard adjustment. I don't think he expected that it would get this bad (and could continue getting worse).
I'm also curious if you found there were any drawbacks to being open about your disability from the start, like people fetishizing it or perhaps attracting dates who would seek out an unhealthy/controlling dynamic because they might think (wrongly!) that disabled people don't have other options.
Thanks so much for this question! (And big congrats on the upcoming decade!) It is hard...and could continue to get worse. And could continue to get better, and we want the ones who were with us when it wasn't.
This relationship is still pretty new (under a year!) but I have had a longer one since becoming disabled...and many interesting dates throughout. I am lucky...no fetishes or power plays!
I am curious how you two have navigated your changes over such a long period?